if these hips could talk...

I've not been on a date in over a year.
Today I (finally) watched Amelie and I ended up crying for 3 hours. Because yes, I want someone that GETS me like that. Yes, I live in my head and my imagination; I live a quiet life, where rather than tooting my own horn, I always trying to get others to see their own potential, their own magnificence.
And I fall in love with people I don't know.
Though I stocked up at the farmer's market earlier, I went to visit my love-at-the-co-op-grocery-store today. I felt that I really wanted to see him. He granted me a hardy 'hello', but that was about it. Oh dear. I had to text Lorissa for a reality check- is this my BPD acting up/imagining things? Or is it real?
I can't know.
So Momma needs a margarita.

current mood: empty wanderlust.
current music: landon pigg - falling in love at a coffee shop

trick question

Either this is the best hangover of my life, or I am still drunk from last night.
WHAT. I think its the latter:) Cos, I mean, Lorissa and I know how to DO IT UP.
I drank and danced and chatted and drank and danced some more. It was EPIC.

And today I am in love with the lad that rings me up at my local co-op grocery store. He's invited me to see his band play on Friday and I'm anxiously planning my outfit. I don't even know his name (though we've 'shared a moment' over our mutual love of Earl Scruggs), but I am already imagining our life together: I mend his sweaters while he recommends authors that I actually like, and we hold ice cream hands and make waterfalls out of unicorns. Because you see, I know my Borderline Personality Disorder is alive and kicking with this one, and it's rendering me utterly useless. Like a Love Coma.
Hmmm, Love.
the saddest girl to ever hold a martini....

i painted my nails turquoise again.


current mood: charred deja vu
current music: calexico - alone again or

All In A Row

So, I did it.
I booked my very first wedding as an official Coordinator. It feels AWESOME to talk about someone as "my bride".
"Oh, I just got an email from my bride"
"I've a meeting with my bride"
"My bride had a few questions about that"

It just feels so right. The wedding's on February 24th (yes, a Thursday), and I'm overwhelmed and nervous and slightly freaked out. I've never done this before, and aside from Lorissa, none of my friends have been through the process.
So I'm turning to Lorissa for nearly everything. INCLUDING fun nights out to let off some steam.

Last night Lorissa and I went to Bingo night at The Knockout and had loads of boozy girly fun. We kept getting so close to winning, when we'd hear someone shout out 'Bingo!'. Damn. We even bought extra drinks for extra bingo cards. ;)
Then for the grand finale, the Blackout Round, guess who won? YOURS TRULY. That's right! I won the whole thing! I earned myself a drink ticket and a bottle of bubbles, both put into use right away.

Tonight I host my first ever themed Open Crop night (Queen of Hearts theme), and I'm nervous about it. The wine should help, though. As well as the scheduled session of SkeeBall (my most favorite arcade game ever) at the Buckshot nearby immediately after.

current mood: party.
current music: heart - barracuda

"Memory, you are two-faced."

Yesterday was rough. I dissociated a LOT. You see, I had an 'impactful' therapy session and the rest of the day was spent attempting to wrangle my psyche.
But man those dissociations were brutal. I spent a couple hours perusing books and movies at the library, and even exchanged texts with Agata for recommendations. I chose approximately 3 DVDs and 5 books. By the time I got to my car, and Agata asked what I had chosen, I couldn't remember. It had only been a couple of minutes. The selections were in my purse in the backseat, so I was trying to answer her text without too much digging, but I could not for the life of me remember even one of my choices. It was embarrassing, it was scary. Where had I been? What else had I done?
When I got home, it was weird to look at the books and movies seemingly for the first time.
Sloane Crosley's I Was Told There'd Be Cake
Oscar Wilde's An Ideal Husband
The Green Bride Guide
Maya Angelou's Even The Stars Look Lonesome
Anti-Bride Guide
DVDs: The Pickwick Papers
Emma
The Grapes of Wrath
Even now, I had to find the stacks of books and movies. I had forgotten again.

One thing I can't seem to forget lately is Brian Chambers, legendary boyfriend of all time...
We'd spend our nights drinking red wine, making love, falling asleep holding hands. In the morning, he would wake me gently by playing an Iron & Wine record. When my eyes opened, he would be sipping coffee, reading the newspaper. He read all the important stuff and I would read our horoscopes. We'd spend the day in Dolores Park, high on each other.

That was the life...
I would instantly marry the man that could make me feel that way again. Especially because my last relationship was such an emotional prison, not allowing me to have any feelings. For someone who's biologically wired to feel things more intensely, it was utter, constant, torturous, HELL.

And I was thinking this morning: Being at this place in my life, where I craft constantly, attempt to cook, hand-grind my coffee beans (Brian even used to roast his own beans), shop locally, spend hours at the library (he was a librarian), listen to copious amounts of The Shins, Nathan Wiley, and Nick Drake, it all reminds me of Brian Chambers. He'd fit so perfectly into my daily life. For example, He or someone like him wouldn't mind me waking up before dawn to write in my journal, and he wouldn't mind my fuck-ups in the kitchen (he'd probably get a kick out of it). He wouldn't mind being woken up by the sound of me hand-grinding the coffee; he'd probably dig the aroma, and he'd smile to himself that I want to do it in the first place. He wouldn't mind staying in bed while Iron&Wine plays softly in the background until I'm done writing; it'd probably lull him back to sleep. And when I'd be done pouring my soul into my journal, if I snuggle back under the covers, he wouldn't mind if I was fragile and if my face was wet with tears; he'd ask softly 'how'd it go today?'. He'd be wise enough to know that they're MY feelings, MY issues, and that I wasn't going to blame him or hold him responsible. And he'd be open enough to acknowledge when something WAS him, was US, just like he did in real life.
It's a shame we met when I was still too naive. Today he is a married man and a new father, and I sigh and wish him the best.


current mood: nostalgic
current music: calexico - wash

done and done.

Awesome thing #1: Remember my uber single-gal Thanksgiving? When I worked on an avant-garde surrealist music video? Well the results are IN!

Here is the video:  http://www.vimeo.com/18866231

Awesome thing #2: Here is an email I recieved today from my coworker:

Hey Kendra,

So a guy came in and he loved the cards you made for display (and bought one for $4.50...the mi amore one). He is looking for a Chinese New Year card and was wondering if you could make one that is similar to the two we've made in the store, but larger (probably A7). He'd really like you to do it and put your own spin on it. What do you think? Is this something you'd be interested in doing?

Thanks!

Awesome thing #3: I am teaching my VERY OWN workshop Feb 6th! Yes, its for the Queen of Hearts Wreath! The most awesome part is that I made a sign to put near the wreath that read: "make this wreath at our Queen of Hearts Workshop". Before the glue was even dry, a gal came in, saw the wreath, and promptly paid her money to reserve her spot for the workshop. Oh! I was so excited!

Awesome thing #4: A distressed bride wandered into the store in a search for place cards and photo decor. Seeing the confused look on her face, an employee asked to help. Upon hearing the word 'wedding', I was called over. The bride and I got to talking and I guided her through some color choices, gave her some suggestions, and we got along and chatted for a while. Long story short, she's wanting to hire me to be her wedding coordinator! And she's willing to PAY ME! I'm not sure I can do it (semester begins soon), but I'm honored, flattered and blown away to be asked at all.

Awesome thing #5: Tomorrow all my crafts debut for sale exclusively at Cherish under the pseudonym Peanut Butter & Jealous! I've my very own SKU! (barcode set-up in computer).

Awesome thing #6: Friday Lorissa and I are going to try to make our own candles. I also want to try to make my own body lotion! candle making + wine = homesteadin' party!

Awesome thing #7: Everyone likes my new hat.

current mood: awesome.

current music: swinging blue jeans - hippy hippy shake



right at this moment

After an emotional upheaval with Agata that left me in tears all weekend, I'm currently sitting in my apron, painting clothespins and watching Antiques Roadshow.
And still crying.
With my inability to master my Disorder, my penchant for granny sweaters, and the fact that I'm about to sink into a library book about wedding etiquette FOR FUN, .... man I'm going to be alone forever.




current mood: despondent.
current music: evelynevelyn - eveyln evelyn

I'm in love

I've rediscovered the San Francisco Public Library!
You see, when you live in the city the public library tends to be crowded with homeless people, incompetent and bitter employees, and a faint smell of burnt crack. But the other day I took the long way home and saw a pleasant little branch nestled in the foggy outskirts. Surely this library would be cleaner and more mellow than the Main Branch right smack dab in the middle of the city? YES! It was! Why hadn't I thought of this before?! No need to purchase a cup of mediocre coffee to sit in a cafe with wi-fi and the relentless buzzing of the espresso grinder. No need to ask employees if they can look up a book for you. No need to PURCHASE anything, say amything, smile at anyone.
I stayed there, curled up in a comfy chair with a pile of books on varied subjects, for a few hours. I fell in love. I went back a couple days later and checked out a stack of books and a couple DVDs. That's right, DVDs! Hamlet and My Fair Lady. Free!

And though my life as an urban homesteader is going 'just ok', I do love it. My rosemary died pretty quickly. Apparently the sage it shared a pot with couldn't handle the loneliness cos it kicked the bucket shortly after.
In the meantime, I'm still up early to grind my own coffee beans in this:

Isn't it beautiful? It's my late grandmother's, on my dad's side, so its truly a French antique. Thanks Grandma.
I'm still using my plastic coffeemaker until I get my stovetop percolator, but at least in the meantime I'm making myself the best cup of coffee I've ever had. Then I drink it from this glorious mug/cup gifted to me by a classmate after I gushed over its charm.

 She said I would value it more than she did. I accepted it with a gasp, only slightly embarrassed (who gets blown away by a cracked mug? Jeez, Kendra!).

Also I tried my hand at baking my own bread, but the results were so sad. The yeast never rose! I've no idea what I did wrong. I used my friend Emily's fool-proof recipe, and after giving the ball of dough an additional 6 hours of a chance to rise, I texted her in desperation. She said to try and bake it anyway.

 It was 'Eh'. Edible, at least. I'm curious to see what would result from a rematch with the yeast. Yes, I will try again.

Also, after seeking advice for my failed rosemary, a coworker brought in a giant bagful of the stuff from her thriving garden. I've been chopping it into everything, and then I saw a recipe for and made my own rosemary salt!



Speaking of work love, I crafted this Queen of Hearts wreath out of tissue paper roses (some white ones painted red, get it?), leaves from painted paper towel rolls, and old playing cards cut into hearts.

My Droid photo doesn't do it justice, you see, because it was such a hit, they hung it and asked me to teach a workshop to make it, just in time for Valentine's Day. 

We'll see.

current mood: busy

current music: edward sharpe and the magnetic zeros -  home

'mornin y'all!

guess who totally woke up early and made whole wheat crumpets from scratch while listening to honky tonk bluegrass? Yeah Yeah it was ME.
WHATWHAT!

then i sat down to a breakfast of warm crumpets, tea, and episodes of Whose Wedding is it Anyway?.

Life is pretty fantastic this morning.

current mood: full.
current music: ralph stanley - dixieland

look what i can do!

below are the reasons i've not been blogging:

clothespins

stationary set (envelopes)

Stationary set

roll-out and hang-able to-do list

love magnets

more magnets



magnets are fun to make

i'm gonna try to see if i can't sell some of my wares on consignment at the store. it'd be under the name "Peanut Butter & Jealous".
Would you buy any of this stuff?


current mood: exhausted.
current music: flatline.

welcome, 2011

At these times of the year I inevitably ask myself where I was in my life 1 year ago. And I wrote a whole post about how I used to be engaged and miserable, never able to fall in love with him but self-loathing enough to believe and take on all the crap he threw at me, blamed me for, accused me of.

But it was just so far removed from where I am in my life now. I could barely look at the pathetic, histrionic story, laid out in simple words on the screen. I deleted it and it felt good. And it feels good to write about it this way.

Instead I’d like to tell you about my New Year. It’s the beginning of a new decade, ya know.

Well I’ve so far given some hints as to the new direction of my life, but I’m about to spell it out for you. So far in my life, I’ve either been in a relationship or recovering from one. Those were the 2 modes I consistently found myself in. So this is the first time that I’ve been completely alone, with no one to tell me its my fault, with no one to judge my whims, with no one to hold me accountable. Its just me, just Kendra, facing Kendra, living with Kendra. And alllll this stuff started to surface.

I’ve become increasingly dissatisfied with modern living. I’m not on Facebook, I don’t Tweet, I don’t spend my time watching YouTube; none of it has ever made sense to me, its always all felt so far away. Blogging is one of my exceptions, because it feels like writing, and it feels like connecting. The rest of today’s ‘conveniences’ feel so foreign and uncomfortable. Its just never made SENSE to me.

The more I’ve been exposing myself to things that feed my soul, the more I realize my heart longs for a simpler time. So I’m going back to that. No, I’m not going hardcore like Tasha Tudor, but I now officially deem myself a Homesteader. Homesteading is embracing the domestic arts, seeking self-sufficiency, and going back to a simpler way of life, when things were done by hand instead of by pressing a button.

I’ve always been naturally inclined to domesticity, and when my classmate called me ‘little Suzy Homemaker wrapped in a layer of urban city girl’, it just all made sense, it all clicked.
I already put on an apron to do my daily chores and cooking tasks. I already compost. I already light my house mostly with candles than with the flip of a switch. And I already wake up at 530am to feed my chickens (sadly theres a big empty space where the chickens should be, and so instead I tend to the crafts and I write here).

It seems to me that in simpler times, people did things ‘properly’. Life was of a better quality when you spent your day growing your own vegetables and baking your own bread to share with friends and family. There is so much LIFE in the home. That’s where everything feels ALIVE to me, in the home, with friends, with family, with neighbors.

Also, I just want to be more in control of what I choose to embrace into my life. I want everything to be lovely. For me, this includes everything from the people I want in my life, right down to the ingredients I want in my food. I want to do it myself. I want to make it myself. I want to.

And I’m not alone.

Ever since a perusal at Green Apple Books where I was drawn to Made from Scratch, I’ve been highly inspired by everything Jenna Woginrich has accomplished all on her own at Cold Antler Farm. Since when is an aspiring farmer one of my heroes? Since 2011, thats when!

I also picked up: A Prairie's Girl Guide to Life

And here’s another post from a like-minded blogger (Maple Hill 101) who has an echoing New Years Resolution and says it more concisely and poignantly than I ever could.

By following my heart, it has lead me to a community where I at last feel like I am finally as I was made to be.
I am finally as I was made to be.

I said it at the beginning, and I'll say it again:

I'd give it all up to live in the Anne of Green Gables movie.

So follow me as I begin with the baby steps of growing my own herbs and baking my own crumpets.

“It’s a big time, folks”

Current mood: bliss.

Current music: cat stevens - the wind