At these times of the year I inevitably ask myself where I was in my life 1 year ago. And I wrote a whole post about how I used to be engaged and miserable, never able to fall in love with him but self-loathing enough to believe and take on all the crap he threw at me, blamed me for, accused me of.
But it was just so far removed from where I am in my life now. I could barely look at the pathetic, histrionic story, laid out in simple words on the screen. I deleted it and it felt good. And it feels good to write about it this way.
Instead I’d like to tell you about my New Year. It’s the beginning of a new decade, ya know.
Well I’ve so far given some hints as to the new direction of my life, but I’m about to spell it out for you. So far in my life, I’ve either been in a relationship or recovering from one. Those were the 2 modes I consistently found myself in. So this is the first time that I’ve been completely alone, with no one to tell me its my fault, with no one to judge my whims, with no one to hold me accountable. Its just me, just Kendra, facing Kendra, living with Kendra. And alllll this stuff started to surface.
It seems to me that in simpler times, people did things ‘properly’. Life was of a better quality when you spent your day growing your own vegetables and baking your own bread to share with friends and family. There is so much LIFE in the home. That’s where everything feels ALIVE to me, in the home, with friends, with family, with neighbors.
Also, I just want to be more in control of what I choose to embrace into my life. I want everything to be lovely. For me, this includes everything from the people I want in my life, right down to the ingredients I want in my food. I want to do it myself. I want to make it myself. I want to.
I said it at the beginning, and I'll say it again:
I'd give it all up to live in the Anne of Green Gables movie.
So follow me as I begin with the baby steps of growing my own herbs and baking my own crumpets.
“It’s a big time, folks”
Current mood: bliss.
Current music: cat stevens - the wind