Sunday, October 24, 2010

distracted. distracked. discotraxxx.


Just this past friday, i put in my 'two weeks notice' at the cafe. WOO! I QUIT THIS BITCH!

I celebrated by going to two job interviews, both of which went awesomely.
One is as a Showroom Consultant at a boutique bridal salon (yes, I can finally be like those gals I see on Say Yes To The Dress!), and the other is at a craft workshop/store, making, selling, instructing crafts.

Because you see, when I grow up I'd like to be an Event Designer. Particularly for weddings. Particularly DIY weddings.

These possible jobs means I'm on the right track.
I'll keep you posted.

In other news, I was able to get rid of the crush on the Italian. All it took was continuous intense denial and recurring flashbacks of a broken hearted version of myself. No prob! Well that and he's got a girlfriend.
But he is still very nice and quite lovely eye candy.
School life is much easier sans the distraction of a crush. Especially because my Borderline ass was already daydreaming of him proposing, and I'm sure it was written all over my face.

My therapist was out of town this week, making Coping difficult. I've fallen behind in the research of PTSD  and Borderlines that I'm attempting to do in order to make a more effective installation. I really need to buckle down with that, but then I get distracted by crafts or boys or something good on TV. Curses.

current mood: distracted
current music: suzanne vega - tom's diner

Sunday, October 17, 2010

update in (my favorite) bulletpoints

before i pull the trigger on my bulletpoint list, let me explain my absence. my cafe job, coupled with my school work, has really put a strain on my right hand. at the end of the day, my finger joints are throbbing. yes, i am looking for another job, because i want my Art to come first, and i cant let this latte-making-life affect it anymore.

ok, here goes:

  • got creative inspiration and came up with an idea for my Final Project (a performance art piece that embraces the Victorian Era and culminates with me breaking everything i've made during my entire art school career)
  • received via Amazon all the Anne of Green Gables movies and books and have been diligently digesting all of them
  • reading up on Life Inside the Victorian Home
  • reading up on Tasha Tudor and her home/life (so inpiring!)
  • Anxiety has become my annoying roommate, keeping me up at night and showing up everywhere i happen to be
  • got some bad news: therapist says i've begun to exhibit signs of Bipolar disorder, and she's to monitor my daily behavior
  • creating ceramic compartments for an installation about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and inherited personality/mood disorders
  • been doing lots of research on PTSD and personality/mood disorders
  • been attending weekly Buddhist Meditation meetings with Agata and really loving it
  • have a crush on an Italian transplant at school: essentially a Calvin Klein underwear model with a thick accent, oozing charisma and the ability to very easily break my heart. his name is (get this) Massimo and i am already in love with him. let it be known that we've spoken a total of three times. this crush is very distracting and i plan to get rid of it as soon as possible.
  • because dammit my Art comes first!

Stay Tuned!

current mood: ow, my hand.
current music: arcade fire - rococo

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Artist BreakThrough

Hello again newborn baby blog. I fully intend to post on a more frequent basis, its just that this past week I’ve been dealing with/attempting to come to terms with my Diagnosis.
Then something truly profound happened. I had an Artistic Breakthrough. Now, things, thoughts, ideas, heads, energies, tides, winds, everything, is shifting. Its amazing. Some artists wait their whole lives for the coveted Breakthrough: the major realization you come to within yourself where suddenly it becomes very clear what you want to say and how.

Here’s the story of Mine:

I have felt so defeated. I didn’t want the Diagnosis to be true. I had worked too hard, journaled too much, prayed too often, for this to happen to me too. I was raised in a house with my mother’s Borderline Personality Disorder as a proverbial landlord; I know first-hand how horrific it is. And here I was, the apple right off the tree.
I thought about how long and how hard I had been running from BPD, and I immediately felt tired. I give up, I thought. It’s done. It’s true. I’ve BPD and I’ve had it and I’ve been in denial and its gotten me nowhere with it except deeper into a cycle of self-induced misery.
What would happen if I stopped all the running? What if I stopped the numbing and the constant struggle to rein in my emotions and the unending battle to regulate my moods and sleep patterns and eating habits and exercise and all those things that “Fitter Happier” Radiohead song says we should be?
Cos I’m already who I am. There’s no more denial, no more dancing around it.

The picture in my mind became very clear.
Who I am:
An art student with a deep affinity for all things Victorian. A sufferer of Borderline Personality Disorder AND a practicing Buddhist. A traumatized girl with an ache to express even just a morsel of the emotions that take over, to exorcise them through the arts, to relieve them just a bit, so they don’t threaten the heart they belong to.

In a subconscious search for empathy, I found myself listening to the entirety of the Who Killed Amanda Palmer album, and I realized: she’s done It. She’s captured the ability to channel her pathos and chaos and emotional upheavals, her struggles, her traumas and all her pain into compelling, sensitive, dramatic Art. And bitch does art of all forms. In my aesthetic. Using words from my diaries.

I felt relief.
Because yes, maybe I’ve BPD, but maybe It has something to offer my Art, which combined with my Self, can offer Beauty. And isn’t that one of my reasons for living?
It looks like this video:

But its not easy. Apparently my Psyche took this breakthrough as an opportunity to let my emotions finally run wild.


Now that I’ve stopped running from BPD, its in full force. I’ve anxiety about anxiety and I’m not sleeping much.
But I'm just trying to observe the BPD, coexist with it for now, to see what it does to my Art.

Along the way I’ve discovered some great artists (like Tasha Tudor- brilliant woman!) and music and books and clothes that I can’t wait to incorporate into my life more and share with you.

Thanks for sticking around. This ought to be an interesting ride.

Current mood: exhausted.
Current music: the dresden dolls - girl anachronism.