Sunday, July 24, 2011

as my bones exhale sulfur

Well, folks. Cancel your subscription to The World According To Kendra.
Cos the lessons learned these past few days have shaken and changed me so much I feel they've knocked the marrow out of my bones.

Its clear I've been in a debilitating amount of emotional pain recently. So much so that a few nights ago I even had a dream that someone was taking a steel hammer to my jaw, and shattering all my teeth.

But I've been smart enough (and lucky enough) to have filled my life with enriching resources, to pick me up when I've fallen, to carry me when my strength has left me. So I've come to a plateau in My Grief over my Failed Love: I've finally Let Go.
I spoke with my Angel Mother, whose Reality and whose Perspective shook me so intensely that I felt rattled within my own skin.
Then I met Agata's mother, whose kind eyes, warm food, and open embrace moved like waves of Healing over my bleeding heart.
Then I accompanied Agata to an AA meeting, where the topic that day was: breakups. The speaker had 10 yrs of sobriety, and his partner of 9 yrs came to him 2 months ago to tell him she was leaving him for another man; he had never seen it coming. This story was not at all similar or even remotely parallel to my current situation, but the Pain, the Agony, that he spoke from- that look in his eyes as he told his story- I cried that entire hour. I sobbed on Agata's shoulder the whole time. I cried so hard I didn't even realize I was sweating.
When I went home, the intensity of the emotion and the Change and the Lessons and the Grief and the Shame and the Sadness and the Agony and the Pain and the Regret and Humiliation and all of it all at Once hit my system so hard I vomited and sweated for the next two hours. My body was literally releasing my failure from me.

Now, I see myself as I was in that relationship. I see what the disorders did, I see what I did. I see Love, I see Reality, I see it all now. And I see why it had to end.
I still feel a sorrow so deep it rivals the Grand Canyon. I still feel a loss so great it blinds me.
But if I've learned anything, Everything happens for a reason.

current mood: humbled.
current music: beach fossils - daydream

Saturday, July 16, 2011

licking my wounds while i bite the bullet

it feels like my heart is in my throat
and its swallowing itself

i am calm on the outside
i am a constant choke