Monday, March 21, 2011



So, I've not told you guys specifically about one of my classes. Mainly because its meant so much to me so far, that I would be heartbroken, devastated, and embarrassed if it didn't end up working out. BUT IT DID, so now I can openly share the project with you.
Here's what I'm talking about:
Site Specific Public Art Installation
I've been trying to get into this class for a couple of semesters already, and each time the class was either 'not offered in the fall' or 'cancelled for the semester'.
 At last, this semester was my chance! The "site" that offered itself to us as inspiration was th San Francisco Zoo. I was ambivalent about it at first, feeling more excited to be taking the class than bonding with and being inspired by zoo animals.
But it turns out the SF Zoo has a "Children's Zoo", which features its own little "Family Farm"! If I've not expressed it enough on this here blog, I'll say it again: it is my dream to move to Portland and live on a farm, with a dozen or so chickens, a few goats, and a vegetable garden. This Family Farm was a rural oasis for me! I fell in love with the goats there, who are just as friendly but far less invasive than dogs. The pigs they've there are adorable, the donkeys are sweethearts, and the sheep are charismatic. 
I knew I wanted to spend as much time there as possible, but I didn't have any ideas for any installations. How could I be so in love but not inspired? Oh it broke my heart as I listened to my classmates pitch their highly conceptual ideas to our teacher, while I stared blankly at him and said "I only know I love the goats". He encouraged me to listen to and follow my heart. Well-versed in this practice, in one hour, I HAD IT: I wanted to make a giant 4-ft tall cake out of hay for these goats! 
My friend Ginelle said: "Oh its like you're trying to address the wedding cake you never had."
I immediately broke down in tears, in front of her, the teacher, the class, everyone.
My teacher looked at me and said: "This means you HAVE to do it."

Well I developed the idea further, made my presentation board, and just this past Friday, we stood up in front of a SFZoo committee and pitched our ideas. I was nervous, my BPD acted up, and all I remember is a blurry view of this panel of judges. 

Well guess what? THEY SAID YES. And not only that, but they want to make it coincide with their big sheep-shearing event in May- the one that's in the NEWSPAPER and on TV. I couldn't believe it. I was blown away, I was humbled, I was dizzy. I texted nearly everyone I knew!

It means so much to me to be able to continue to hang out on this farm, play with the goats, smell and work with the hay. Maybe it makes me a weirdo, but I'm a happy weirdo, so THERE.

current mood: happy weirdo.
current music: the whites - keep on the sunny side

Wednesday, March 16, 2011


I did it.
I passed.

I presented my MidPoint Review, my Artist Statement, my Final Project Proposal, my Previous Work, to a committee of judges that have never met me or seen my work and I PASSED.

Though my Disorder has been acting up all over the place, and I've indulged in more complusions and coping mechanisms than I'm willing to admit, its all over. The Chaos that was making itself at home in my life is now over.
And I can't believe I did it. I made it through.

The wedding was a success.
My thesis paper was written, reviewed, bound, turned in on time.
I passed MidPoint Review.

Fuck yes.

Does this make me a legitimate Artist? I can't say. But it is incredibly validating to have Art Professionals call you a 'breath of fresh air', and then email you thirty minutes later, telling you they want to work with you and help you actualize your final project.

I am humbled. I am grateful. I am exhausted.
But at least I feel like I can breathe again. And Borderline Personality Disorder or not, I aim to seek Balance now. That elusive son a bitch won't escape me this time.

current mood: lifted.
current music: m. ward - helicopter

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

my own bell jar

I can't believe I got through it.
The wedding was a week ago and it was very nearly flawless. The bride used words like 'astounding' and 'gorgeous'. I was a big hit, and I couldn't have asked for a better outcome for my very first wedding. Glorious.
Of course, the sheer importance of the event made my Borderline Personality Disorder act up. As a result, my emotions were on such an intense neurological fritz that I dissociated so badly I barely remember a moment of it.
I am looking forward to seeing the pictures.

My sanity is slowly slipping away.

A few days later, my Midpoint Review paper was due. For all intents and purposes, consider an art school's Midpoint Review as a thesis: we're to write and have professionally bound two color copies of a document that includes an autobiography, an artist statement, a Final Project Proposal, sketches, a Portfolio, inspirations, influential artists, a timeline, and a resume.
Another intensely stressful event. More dissociating.

March 15th is the grand Midpoint Presentation: a 10-minute speech given in my studio space, surrounded by my 'best work', to a panel of Academy of Art University judges. Followed by a question-and-answer session. Then I'm to wait patiently outside my studio while they discuss whether or not I am allowed to 'pass' onto the next (and more independent and conceptually elevated) level of my art school career.

My sanity is running away from me at lightening speed.

So enjoy the tales of a struggling art student, who can barely remember what she did 5 minutes ago or why she did it, who's going through the most crucial phase of graduate school, and who, as a response to being unable to recognize herself from one moment to another, is now sporting pixie-short dark purple hair.
and henna.

current mood: away.
current music: evelyn evelyn - evelyn evelyn