Friday, August 31, 2012

not without a fight

I could call it the first day of the rest of my life. Or I could call it finally letting go.
I'm so sick of my past heartbreaks defining who and what I am. Not too long ago, I had a car problem, and the mechanic asked me when my last oil change had been.
My response?
"Well, lets see. I remember being hungover cos so-and-so had just dumped me, so I would say, about a year ago?"
He looked at me and gave an "Hmph; measuring time by your love life. thats new."

Coping mechanisms have piled on and lined up, and they've each failed me, igniting a domino effect of self-loathing and vacancy. In their wake, I've been left a shell of who I know myself to be. I just couldn't take it anymore.

So I decided to get my Life back. Ive pulled myself up from the pathetic swamp of failure before, and I know I can do it again. I woke up with a renewed angst today, ready to take on whatever Damage I've managed to layer on myself, and peel it back, peel it off, and get rid of it for good.

I'm re-devoting myself to my Self; re-focusing on Me. i'm even taking back my physical/spiritual health: Today is Day 1 of the Master Cleanse (a 10-day lemon juice detox program).
I've a new resolve and the 50th anniversary issue of ArtForum came in the mail today. I've not felt this alive in a long time.
I'll keep you posted.

current mood: pointed
current music: dead man's bones - pa pa power

Monday, August 27, 2012

cave collective

I spend a lot of time thinking about myself. Who I am, who I want to be, how I want to come across to others, what they must think of me as I am, what I want them to think of me, what I want strangers to think of me.
i spend so much time thinking thinking thinking, that theres never even time or mental space to just let myself BE

and im beginning to fucking wonder: what would happen if i just stopped thinking about how and who I wanted to be and was just IT

would the bipolar disorder take over? would the borderline personality run wild?
would it be like every other day? when my heart takes over? and my spirit runs wild?

i swear to god we're about to find out.

current mood: beyond
current music: deidre & the dark - classic girls
current obsession: matthew gray gubler

Friday, August 24, 2012


This bipolar shit is crippling. There's no handicapp parking pass for the emotionally unstable. Though if you think about it, we are the unpredictable folks that can lose it at any second, and you just never know if a frustrating lot/garage/street will be the one thing that sends us right over the edge and into a psychotic break. .... Ive been feeling really intense lately, and today is the apex. A minute ago I found myself crying from an internal pain so deeply rooted in my psyche that it knows no way out. Ive high doubts it will ever see the light of day, take a gasp of fresh air, escape. No. It sits in my marrow, filling my bones with traumatic memories that seep into my bloodstream, rushing to my brain for their electrocution, where the sparks explode, burning, searing, leaving scars around the grey matter. An insult to the bloody tissue. And yes, I know I have to change. But I am an emotional glacier, icy cold and slow-moving.
i painted my nails 'plaza burgandy'. you know, to match my mood.
current mood: whose blood is this current music: bon iver - flume current obsession: stomach fat

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

what no one else will say

Normally, I can floss with the skinny pretentious trust-fund babies. But every once in a while, your tight-pant fixed-gear fuck-buddy will send you something like this to brighten your day. its just so fucking GOOFY, the nerd factor is just pathetically sad:

current mood: mattress
current music: laughter so hotly snarky the Irony is just melting off of it
current obsession: my impending hostile takeover of a company about to go under... aaannyyy seecccoonndddd...NOW

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

yesterday, today, and tomorrow; a prelude, and a living nightmare

So I promised you folks the story of a series of events that were so horrendously sick and twisted, it borderlined unicorn-like surrealness. It reads well, but there's a few sentences of necessary prologue for it to all make sense. So, a handful of months ago, I was aimlessly shifting through jobs, trying desperately to find a single career that would allow me to actually enjoy waking up and getting out of bed everyday. My entire body was depressed; I felt depression in my marrow, infecting my blood and diseasing my muscles. What to do? Hop on a plane to my mother's house, where my self-loathing would blend into the seat cushions. On a random day of misery, my gray-phobic mother had a hair 'moment' and knowing that I too-oft take scissors to my own mop, asked for assistance, and I ended up dying, cutting and styling her and my aunt's 'do's. It was the first time I had felt decent about myself in a long time. In typical Kendra fashion, I ran with it. I'd always known how much I truly, sincerely liked to help women feel like women: pretty, renewed, feminine and powerful. Why hadn't I thought of this before? It was clear to me: I needed to get myself to beauty school and eventually open up the cutest vintage salon/DIY crafts & events locale.
Yeah? So, tenancious and led-by-a-bleeding-heart as ever, I secured a job as a Salong Coordinator at a boutique salon in downtown SF and I was refreshed, set, and ready for my new start on Tuesday. Great. Awesome. Right? You'd think so. But not in my life. Keep in mind this happened MONTHS ago, but here goes:

SUNDAY on my way home from the gym, I spontaneously decided to stop by my favorite farmer's market near my home. I ran into none other than my ex boyfriend from a year ago- yes, the one that dumped me overnight and whose actions sent me into such a tailspin that I had a nervous breakdown and had to be hospitalized. Bastard completely turned my life upside down. And there he was, in front of me, trying to pretend he didnt see me, with his new girlfriend, plainest and most unkempt jane ever, at MY favorite farmers market that *I* showed him, because it is in MY neighborhood, right by MY house. Bastard lives across town! WTF! Of course I 'said hello', and even asked the frizzy bitch if I could 'borrow him for a word'. I looked him in the eye and told him just how much I had believed all his devoted words, and just how much his actions had turned me and my life upside down and inside out. I did it all in a calm voice, classy demeanor and eloquent speech, and then I turned on my heel and didnt cry until I got home. Phew. Rough, yes. I did breathing exercises all day, got a little drunk, and waited for it all to be ok.

MONDAY I'm still reeling, but slowly recovering, in the best way I know how: a comfy blanket and my favorite tv shows. So I'm watching my favorite and most-viewed network when I see the ug-mug of my EX FIANCE: apparently, he's on a reality TV show about giving (get this) RELATIONSHIP ADVICE. WTF!? The man that gave me the WORST 7 months of a relationship hell that broke me emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and even physically, is now on international television dispelling relationship advice!??! What planet? AND! As my mouth hung open in SHOCK and HORROR, I witness the scene the network is playing in order to promote the dumb show: my ex fiance makin' out with his skinny bitch coworker.

TUESDAY I get up, determined that this new Salon Coordinator gig is the EXACT thing I need to forget what I've just gone through for the past 2 days and focus on me and my new life. I arrive on time for my first 8-hr day, and the salon gals, stylists, colorists, and aesthetians proceed to shoot me their best glares, stares, and eye rolls. Hmm. "New girl' antics, I think to myself, nothing I can't handle. By noon, I've taken so much snark, sass, attitude, rudeness, insults, and personal digs that I throw up in the bathroom. I should have known. How could I have possibly let it get by me that the bitch levels of the fashion industry and the beauty industry would be the same? The way these girls even talked to EACH OTHER made me feel ill; they are so cutting and mean and condescending- everyone is! to everyone else! That shit is CUT-FUCKING-THROAT. And I wasn't even their competition! I was a desk gal with no cosmetology license! When I do a 'job' or 'career', I do that thing because it fulfills me; because it is my heart's calling and my contribution to the world, however small, to make a positive DIFFERENCE. It goes against everything in my DNA to be just SO MEAN! I cried on the bus the whole way home, and when I got home, I threw up again, called the work phone, and left a message saying that the crew wasn't at all what I was expecting or willing to adjust to, and that had been my first and last day there.

Needless to say, the saga was a living nightmare. I'm crying now, just writing this and recalling the dark days that followed. I was broken. I didnt't leave my bed, much less my apartment for almost three weeks. I thought I was beyond repair; I thought this time had done me in for sure.

Somewhere, a month later, I realized that those were the three things I was dreading the most: seeing my ex boyfriend, hearing about my ex fiance's successes, and failing yet again at another career I'd thrown my heart and forseeable future into. The trifecta knocked me so far away from my life, that I was forced into a new perspective: that that, then, was as bad as it would ever get for me, and that that meant that the worst of it was over. I didn't have to be sacred of it anymore. I was free.

Obviously, from the post below, we can see that I've come a long way and lots of things have changed. I'd say that I'm still recovering from the triple-blow, and that might explain these tears. But it's the closest to Free i've been in years.

current mood: smeared current music: the mynabirds - let the record go