I'm so sick of my past heartbreaks defining who and what I am. Not too long ago, I had a car problem, and the mechanic asked me when my last oil change had been.
My response?
"Well, lets see. I remember being hungover cos so-and-so had just dumped me, so I would say, about a year ago?"
He looked at me and gave an "Hmph; measuring time by your love life. thats new."
Coping mechanisms have piled on and lined up, and they've each failed me, igniting a domino effect of self-loathing and vacancy. In their wake, I've been left a shell of who I know myself to be. I just couldn't take it anymore.
So I decided to get my Life back. Ive pulled myself up from the pathetic swamp of failure before, and I know I can do it again. I woke up with a renewed angst today, ready to take on whatever Damage I've managed to layer on myself, and peel it back, peel it off, and get rid of it for good.
I'm re-devoting myself to my Self; re-focusing on Me. i'm even taking back my physical/spiritual health: Today is Day 1 of the Master Cleanse (a 10-day lemon juice detox program).
I've a new resolve and the 50th anniversary issue of ArtForum came in the mail today. I've not felt this alive in a long time.
I'll keep you posted.
current mood: pointed
current music: dead man's bones - pa pa power
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