Friday, May 6, 2011
But really, I was home because I am busy with prep work for the Hay Cake project. It's tomorrow, ya know, the Sheep Shearing/Kendra's 'Happening'. I originally started this post with: 'Tomorrows the big day', but I've found I've been having quite a few Big Days lately. If I step away from the BPD view, life has generally been quite well recently. Its just those moments. God they feel unbearable and toxic, like my body is poisoning itself from the inside out. I'm not too adept at finding my way out of them just yet and so it just feels like a very precious drowning death.
And of course, in honor of tomorrow's Opening, I can feel my Borderline Personality Disorder on full blast. I'm dissociating quite a bit even as I type this, and each sentence is a struggle to finish on the same subject it started with. Does that even make sense? I 've lost the ability to tell.
My mind is spinning with BPD diagnostic criteria #9: transient, stress-related paranoid ideation.
Here is a glimpse:
The room is spinning, even as I grip the keyboard for stability, and everything around me is an obscure version of itself.
Last night I had dreams about spiders and all this morning its felt like they are crawling in my veins.
My face is a brief and false advertisement.
I'd like to pour myself the stiffest drink my stomach can stand and lay on my back and feel like a good tired Catholic. Because its not even 9am.
And all I want is for my future husband to lean over me and look me dead in the eye and say 'the fact that you're insane only proves that you're my best friend'.
I seem to be unravelling in time to the music.
current mood: tangled
current music: bright eyes - the calendar hung itself