Saturday, November 6, 2010

theres a reason i didnt say goodbye...

...because I never meant to be gone!

I've been very busy attempting to put my life together. I am finally FINALLY creating the life I've always wanted, building it like a sculpture, a work of art in and of itself.
Here's what it looks like:

Today I start my new job at Cherish, an art & craft supply store in a cute little neighborhood. It's part supply store and part studio space, where patrons can pay $5/hr to use all our fancy stationary and scrapbooking machines, supplies, etc. I'll get to make crafting kits all day, and they'll allow me to sell my own crafts on consignment there.

All I want is a life where I dedicate myself to my Art (school), and craft in all my free time.
It appears I'm getting closer, though there's still a big hole where my Significant Other should be.

I've been trying to learn to co-exist with this Borderline Personality Disorder, because I still feel it overtake me at times, and the line between It and Me blurs. I've begun to do research on it, to both arm mySelf and fuel my art. BPD stems mostly from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. This makes sense for me as I had a very tumultous and scary childhood.
One symptom of PTSD/BPD is dissociation and partial amnesias, and unfortunately I've been experiencing a lot of this lately. I forget who it was that made the decision to eat all the persimmons in the fridge; or who it was that decided to cut her hair from shoulder-length to pixie-short. It was me. Of course it was. The thing is, there is something about those moments, those choices, that reach far back into my childhood, something in my childhood, and I dissociate. I disappear into the trigger.
The next day, the next hour, even the next moment, I see the fruit stems in the trash, I see my cut hair on the floor, and I can't remember for the life of me WHY. Any thoughts I had during those decisions are gone, unrelatable, unfathomable.
So this is the hardest part: Not recognizing myself from one moment to the next.
Which explains my lack of presence on this blog lately.

But I do love to write, and so I go back and forth about how much/often to post. Shouldn't I be writing 'just for me'? But I swear I'd write more prolifically if I had actual readers. So if you read me, please let me know. I'd post more and its even very likely I'd craft you something and send it to you.

Tomorrow I plan to write about what art school does to you when you've a brilliant idea for an installation. Its not pretty.

current mood: curious
current music: the pixies - where is my mind

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