Thursday, November 18, 2010

in the life

"Well you're just a little southern Suzy Homemaker wrapped in an urban city girl's style, now arentcha?"
-Ginelle, the Arkansas native in my Moldmaking class, after I told her all about my search for a bonnet now that its rainy reason.

Though I was nervous and anxious to an unbearable extreme in the hours beforehand, my Juniors workshop went wonderfully and at the end the little girls hugged me, kissed my cheek, and called me 'Miss Kendra'. The only awkward part was when I was asking them about their xmas lists and in turn, they asked me if there was really a Santa Claus. Ummm..... whywhatdidyourparentstellyouidontwanttotraumatizeyouforlifeohmygod.
"Well, *I* write my letter to Santa every year, and if I've been good, I get presents."

Today was really quite extraordinary, though.

First, I dropped off my car for its insurance-approved-body-work this morning. It feels very grown up to say 'my car's in the shop'. but it feels very juvenile to take the bus everywhere.
Then I headed to my Expressions in Clay class, where my piece really started to come together. Once I figured out how to make clay look like beach-weathered wood (wait til its 'leather-hard', and take a wire brush to it. then wait til its 'bone-dry' and go to town on it with an exacto knife and a strong will), I felt so much more inspired, and I hacked away at the clay until I was emotionally satisfied.
As the class was coming to a close and I was working away, the very nice young man that works next to me, incidentally named Art, paused, turned to me, and asked if I wouldn't mind please being the subject of his photography installation. He was wondering if he could take my photo: one set of me standing in front of a brick wall, looking 'pinned back by tension', and the other of me walking, mid-stride (later to be made to look like I'm made of rope).
Considering that I've been intrigued by his concepts ever since he began voicing them mid-semester, I was flattered. I gave a blushing pink 'of course', and he then proceeded to thank me incessantly from that moment, through the photoshoot, and until I left the building for the day. Haha. He directed me into the alley next to the Sculpture building, where I posed in front of an old wooden door, a brick wall, and a set of iron gates.  He was really very sweet and respectful, and we had a conversation about how I wasn't at all hesitant about the spontaneous request.
You see, I told him, there are reasons I very very very carefully watch my weight and make sure my Self looks like Me: there are aspects of my art and my life that would indicate that I am indeed a 'performance artist', though I consider my body to be more like another medium at my disposal for my art, another bag of clay, so to speak. I feel that if I were to come up with a concept, something to say, that would be best represented by an artistic performance of some sort, then my body has become a material, my material to use. And I should be able to.

And well then there are the few that say that I live my Life as if it were a work of art.
I can only hope thats true.

Lately, what my therapist calls 'dissociations', have been plaguing me. I can't remember the logic behind ANY of my decisions, even for small things like what to eat or what color to paint my nails. This may not seem like a big deal to you- that is, until you come back to your car at the end of the day and see a giant shopping bag there, and you can only manage a vague recollection of your stop at Target. And this may not seem like a big deal until you can't remember which bus to take to work now that your 'car's in the shop', even though you looked it up five times before you left the house. Or that you can't remember why you chose a certain underglaze, or what glossy finish you told your teacher you wanted to have for your piece, or what that piece was called in the first place.

The dissociations are getting worse, more frequent.

Though it does add a layer of mystery to my daily activities.

 And I admit, it IS quite exciting to see a stack of new magazines on my coffee table, every day.

current mood: pensive.
current music: cocorosie - werewolf

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