Tuesday, December 7, 2010

say it aint so

today was my first day off in a while.
today my Borderline Personality Disorder decided to take the reins.
today i've been a mess.

I guess I've not been managing as well as I thought.
I guess all this alone time is catching up with me.
I guess I've a long way to go still.

It looks like this:
though I've recently acquired several new books i've been anxious to read, i couldn't pick up a single one.
though I've a long list of crafty projects I've been eager to make, i wasn't inspired to start any.
though its finals season and my stage and steps could use another layer of underglaze, i couldn't get myself to school.
and though i've beautiful friends trying to make plans to spend time with me, i couldn't be bothered to even glance at my phone.

What did my BPD have me doing?
I loafed aroound my tiny apartment, my emotions swinging out of control. My moods changed rapidly and intensely. I alternated between tears and smiles every couple of minutes.
Its been hell.

Before my official diagnosis, I would have beat myself up about a day like this. Even now, I feel disappointed at my lack of self-control, my lack of productivity, my lack of motivation. But this is the BPD, in raw ugly form. This is what it looks like. This is what it does to me. It incapacitates me. It cuts me off at the knees. Its terrifying to be at the mercy of this BPD.
My therapist says it takes years to learn to work around days like this.

And apparently I've been 'dissociating' a lot lately. This means a part of your cognition, a part of your consciousness, sort of 'checks out' for a while- it can happen for a few minutes, or for hours, or for a whole visit somewhere, or a phone conversation, etc. This explains my recent increasing forgetfulness. I lost my ipod, my sunglasses, my latest paycheck.

In my research I have learned that Borderlines see things in black and white. There are no shades of gray, there is nothing in between.
Today was very very black.

current mood: devastated.
current music: radiohead - motion picture soundtrack

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