As a very single city gal that was originally hired as 'holiday help', I knew I was doomed to work xmas eve. Sigh. But I was able to clock out in time to attend my weekly Buddhist meditation group. There was only a handful of us on this special holiday, and the meditation leader was a 'subsitute'. Nonetheless, I had a beautiful meditation, albeit a distracted one. Later, during the lecture part of the sit, the leader was talking about the Buddha's teachings on Equanimity, and described it as "the radical permission to feel". I started crying instantly. Because as someone who is too oft accused and chided for strong emotions, and having ended a relationship where he constantly told me that my feelings were too intense and where therefore wrong, I finally felt FREE. The radical permission to feel. My ex was wrong, just like I knew he was. I can feel, as much as I want. The rest of it, my actions, are just mindful self-control. But it is not wrong to FEEL. All of it, any of it. The radical permission to feel.
Obviously, that stayed with me and afterwards I thanked the leader and we chatted about that concept for a bit before I headed home to watch Frontier House.
Today's christmas day and I was anticipating an anxiety-ridden day of suddenly feeling acutely single. But instead I crafted all day (pics tomorrow) and set up my tiny table-top tree.
Ornaments: one handmade one from Lorissa (in the shape of her homestate Michigan), one sparkly glittery purple snowflake from Stacy at work. Topper: a paper flower I crafted this morning.
Under the tree is the gift I bought for myself. Yes, I wrapped it. And what! I plan on opening it in a couple hours, I'm very excited!
A few hours into crafting, I realized I wanted a nice xmas dinner. I sat back and watched myself shower, do my hair and makeup, get dressed, and make a nice little meal for one.
I took the picture in candle light because while I did indeed set up candles, the dim lighting masked the fact that I burned the chicken, the spinach, the biscuit, and some of the vegetables. Oops. Well, I'm still learning;)
After a chat with Agata where we praised each other's courage and brave hearts, and made plans for a road trip to Lake Tahoe in January, I'm about to curl up with a kalimocho cocktail in a mason jar and watch Dances With Wolves on CMT.
Best Christmas Ever.
I am so complete.
Stay tuned for more details.
Love, warmth, and peppermint kisses to you all.
current mood: warm
current music: iron & wine - faded from the winter