Diagnosis.

Today is Wednesday.

Wednesdays I have Therapy.

Today I had Therapy.

Today, I was mutually brave enough and frustrated enough to ask for a Diagnosis.

I sat across from her and said “Iwant a diagnosis, once and for all.”

Without blinking, without skipping a beat, she looked me straight in the eye and said:

“You have Borderline Personality Disorder.”

I immediately began sobbing uncontrollably.

No. Please, no.

This means I am my mother’s daughter.

Until now, I had thought myself ‘better’ than her, because she chose to have BPD and I, well, I had managed to be smarter than that by getting myself a therapist, journaling, becoming spiritual, being consistently self-aware, following my heart, doing all the Hard Work.

NO. Nonononononononono.

I was hoping that I was ‘normal’, ‘fine’. That yes, maybe I was more emotional, intense, passionate than most folks and oh yes maybe I had tendencies toward abandonment panic and severe rage, and it yes, WAS weird that my moods swung so often and so frequently, and that I had bouts of debilitating depression followed by bouts of frantic anxiety, but so does everyone, I thought! How human of me!

No.

My therapist has known this entire time (about 3.5 yrs) that I’ve BPD, but I am devastated by this Diagnosis.  
She said its along the same lines as having anorexia or alcoholism: the tendencies have been, are, and always will be residing within me; that I can learn to manage the symptoms and characteristics, but I’d have to fight it my whole life.

Medication may or may not help.

It will take years to master the Art of Coping with BPD.

Along the way relationships will fail and friendships will break apart.

NO.

I spent the session attempting to accept my fate but fighting every iota of it.

I went to class today (Mold Making) because I didn’t know what else to do with myself. I mean, after the Diagnosis, I spent fifteen minutes frantically searching my purse for the keys that were in my hand the whole time.

Now I am laying in bed with a glass of red wine watching Anne of Green Gables.

Current mood: defeated.

Current music: Amanda Palmer – Runs In The Family.