the long way back

Well it looks like Ive more lives than a Buddlist cat.

I’m gonna do it. Pris. Opening in November, its already sold 800 tickets, and upon hearing the news, my father insisted I go through with it. It’s the female lead role, and my father is convinced it will help my psyche. He is only vaguely aware of my director’s version of Pris: a sex doll and aspiring ballerina; and he’s enrolled me in a ballet workshop to brush up on the skills I learned as a girl. Though he is still deciding whether or not I’m to take a sabbatical this upcoming semester.

I must say, hanging out with my pops has been pretty rad-tastic. Its nice to speak Spanish again, and to listen to his French-accent-soaked Spanish. And for the first time, I don’t feel like a burden. He is happy for the company, and the break from his usual long work hours. He is a quirky guy, but we’ve found we’ve loads in common and I’m more my father’s daughter than my mother’s victim than ever before.

And though I’m not comfortable with the idea, I’m now officially ‘on medication’, and I’ve to admit it is helping to stabilize me. Apparently, I might have been misdiagnosed as Borderline; the problem could be something else, something far more easily managed with the drug cocktail of uppers and sedatives the new doctors mixed for me. Shaken, not stirred.

And the new team of professionals has enlightened me as to why this happened in the first place. Apparently, because during the breakup, my ex seemed to be one way in person, and then quite another over the phone, etc, it REALLY threw me off. They said all this that happened to me was my frail psyche’s response to the psychological shock of someone’s mismatched behavior. It makes sense, as throughout my life, I’ve had mini versions of what they’ve deemed a ‘nervous breakdown’ any time someone’s actions and words contradict each other. You see, *I* am always upfront and honest and direct; what you see is what you get; my heart is too big for my brain to betray it, and so I always come from a place of empathy. So it really rattles my universe when other people act differently; my brain simply cannot compute it. I was receiving mixed messages and not knowing how to act; feeling abandoned, feeling lost and confused.
See? Very little to do with my ex himself. I just really did. not. understand.
So, that is their explanation for my downward spiral. Learning this has been essential in my recovery. Its been such a rough road, and while I’m still on thin ice with myself, I can see where my path evens out.

Eckhart Tolle said: Suffering cracks open the shell of ego, and then comes a point when it has served its purpose. Suffering is necessary until you realize it is unnecessary.

And I’ve a great support system taking care of me right now. Of course, Agata’s been an angel, a guide, a shoulder, an ear, a mother, a best friend. When I cry to her that I’m humbled by all she’s doing for me, she simply responds with “I know you’d do the same for me, because you already have.” She deserves a fucking medal.
And I’ve even found myself a bit surprised. Keven has stepped out of the woodwork and into the compassionate role, and the familiar comforts of his beautiful face, incredible voice, and gentle heart have served as soothing reminders of the beauty of the human soul, especially his. He sent me some songs written about me, and his idyllic voice wrapping around nakedly honest lyrics felt like the warm blanket I needed. And Ryan’s steadfast loyalty and kind empathy have acted as a gauze, slowly absorbing the blood from this broken heart.
Folks  like Lorissa, Calle, Colin, Jon, Gamin, are like balm.

While it IS tough and mildly humiliating to not be allowed to make your own decisions, right now I am just grateful to the Universe that I’m not alone during this. Like I told Ryan, I’ve been navigating Life all my own for 28 yrs, and look where it got me; it might be time to let someone else take the reins for a while. But in the meantime: Pris, ballet classes? Here I come. (Just give me a minute though).

Current mood: all too human

Current movie: its kinda a funny story

razor rain, silver lining

i was offered the part of pris for a stage version of blade runner spin-off. shes a mix between siouxie sioux and livethroughthis' courtney love.
two months of rehearsals starting september.

but i dont even know where i'll be next week, much less in september.

also, ive learned: agata is the best person on the planet; my father is a gentle hero.

still i sigh.
why me, universe? love makes my world go round. pseudo replicant or not, i cant cut off my empathy, my emotion. and agata says thank goodness for that.



current mood: small
current music: my dad likes AM radio

finally broke me.

well it got worse.
agata came over with the mobile crisis doctors, and after they looked around and listened to me sob for an hr and a half, i was taken into the psych ward. there, they gave me meds, a bed, and diagnosed that i  was in the middle of a nervous  breakdown. i had become severely depressed and had lost  the ability to take care of myself.
listen, i know its very little to do with him specifically. but when Love is your lifeblood, and it gets sucked out of you, with nothing left except mouthfuls of venom, unaddressed  hopeful implications, zero communication, even less than an iota of compassion,  utterly and completelty ABANDONED, how much can a gal like me, who loves  deeply and with her whole heart do?

sweet agata called and  emailed my dad who drove up the next day, and i was signed away to his care. im currently in a hotel, unsure of what the future holds, as im not allowed/capable of making decisions for myself.

this is really sad. a disporportion reaction, yes. especially cos it all could have been lifted by just the tiniest sliver of empathtic love.

i promise ill always act from loving kindness, cos i wouldnt wish this on anyone.
please keep me in your thoughts.

current mood: broken, vacant, embarrassed.
current music: (though its merely in my head) hum - stars

it is possible to unravel even at rock bottom

i'm in bad shape.

i've stopped functioning. really. its never been this bad for me.
currently agata is on her way over to determine whether or not i need to be hospitalized. again.

the thing is, when Love is your lifeblood, this is what it comes to.
i can do ANYTHING as long as that partnership love is in my life. but he doesn't even want to talk to me. so all the life has been completely sucked out of me.
im miserable. im embarrassed. im numb to everything except this choking pain.

so yeah. this is a new low for me.

as my bones exhale sulfur

Well, folks. Cancel your subscription to The World According To Kendra.
Cos the lessons learned these past few days have shaken and changed me so much I feel they've knocked the marrow out of my bones.

Its clear I've been in a debilitating amount of emotional pain recently. So much so that a few nights ago I even had a dream that someone was taking a steel hammer to my jaw, and shattering all my teeth.

But I've been smart enough (and lucky enough) to have filled my life with enriching resources, to pick me up when I've fallen, to carry me when my strength has left me. So I've come to a plateau in My Grief over my Failed Love: I've finally Let Go.
I spoke with my Angel Mother, whose Reality and whose Perspective shook me so intensely that I felt rattled within my own skin.
Then I met Agata's mother, whose kind eyes, warm food, and open embrace moved like waves of Healing over my bleeding heart.
Then I accompanied Agata to an AA meeting, where the topic that day was: breakups. The speaker had 10 yrs of sobriety, and his partner of 9 yrs came to him 2 months ago to tell him she was leaving him for another man; he had never seen it coming. This story was not at all similar or even remotely parallel to my current situation, but the Pain, the Agony, that he spoke from- that look in his eyes as he told his story- I cried that entire hour. I sobbed on Agata's shoulder the whole time. I cried so hard I didn't even realize I was sweating.
When I went home, the intensity of the emotion and the Change and the Lessons and the Grief and the Shame and the Sadness and the Agony and the Pain and the Regret and Humiliation and all of it all at Once hit my system so hard I vomited and sweated for the next two hours. My body was literally releasing my failure from me.

Now, I see myself as I was in that relationship. I see what the disorders did, I see what I did. I see Love, I see Reality, I see it all now. And I see why it had to end.
I still feel a sorrow so deep it rivals the Grand Canyon. I still feel a loss so great it blinds me.
But if I've learned anything, Everything happens for a reason.

current mood: humbled.
current music: beach fossils - daydream

licking my wounds while i bite the bullet

it feels like my heart is in my throat
and its swallowing itself


i am calm on the outside
hollow
i am a constant choke

let that (hay)fever play

Epic Fail #783: How I spent my cinco de mayo: Last night I burned my tongue on some organic shepherds pie that I was too eager for. I readjusted my approach and started again in the middle, since it was still frozen there. Sad little pathetic life.

But really, I was home because I am busy with prep work for the Hay Cake project. It's tomorrow, ya know, the Sheep Shearing/Kendra's 'Happening'. I originally started this post with: 'Tomorrows the big day', but I've found I've been having quite a few Big Days lately. If I step away from the BPD view, life has generally been quite well recently. Its just those moments. God they feel unbearable and toxic, like my body is poisoning itself from the inside out. I'm not too adept at finding my way out of them just yet and so it just feels like a very precious drowning death.

And of course, in honor of tomorrow's Opening, I can feel my Borderline Personality Disorder on full blast. I'm dissociating quite a bit even as I type this, and each sentence is a struggle to finish on the same subject it started with. Does that even make sense? I 've lost the ability to tell.

My mind is spinning with BPD diagnostic criteria #9: transient, stress-related paranoid ideation.
Here is a glimpse:
The room is spinning, even as I grip the keyboard for stability, and everything around me is an obscure version of itself.
Last night I had dreams about spiders and all this morning its felt like they are crawling in my veins.
My face is a brief and false advertisement.
I'd like to pour myself the stiffest drink my stomach can stand and lay on my back and feel like a good tired Catholic. Because its not even 9am.
And all I want is for my future husband to lean over me and look me dead in the eye and say 'the fact that you're insane only proves that you're my best friend'.

I seem to be unravelling in time to the music.


current mood: tangled
current music: bright eyes - the calendar hung itself